Thursday, June 22, 2006

Golden rules

Blogger Ken Germer has a great idea. On his site, Not that you asked me, but… he has begun a running list of rules to live by. I am inspired. So much so, I have begun my own list of life’s rules. These are things I have long thought, so I am pleased to able to rip Ken’s idea and share my own. I will add as I see fit, and these are in no particular order.

The first 20:

1. Men should never curse in front of women unless it is with good humor. Women shouldn’t curse period. There is nothing worse than hearing an f-bomb dropped from the mouth of a lady.

2. Showering together saves time and water. Plus, it’s always more fun.

3. Kia and Hyundai are for people who hate cars, hate driving, and therefore must hate life. I can’t think of a more boring automobile than either of these two brands.

4. Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk. That’s not mine, I just heard it somewhere and it sounded good. Which brings me to my next rule:

5. The first time you retell someone else’s anecdote, give them all due credit. The second time, just say you heard it somewhere; and the third time you tell it, it’s all yours.

6. The scent of a woman will never cease to bring a man to his knees.

7. If you wear glasses, then you shouldn’t have any facial hair. It just makes you look like a tard…or a Canadian. You pick.

8. The shoes make the man. Don’t cut corners here. Get some nice kicks to go with that Burberry suit.

9. Not because they don’t understand good fashion, and not because they have better taste, but solely because they never wear them, women, will never be able to understand the importance of a good tie.

10. It has been said that no electronic device should ever be clipped to your belt. I agree, but that is just not a feasible solution on today’s information highway. Therefore, limit one device per belt please.

11. NASCAR is no longer just for rednecks. And for that, the sport has suffered.

12. I know you think nobody can see you when you pick your nose while driving. Nay, we can all see you. Don’t do it. It’s gross.

13. Always, always tell your spouse you love her/him upon your departure. Whether you are going on a business trip or going to the supermarket, it is a necessary last utterance.

14. Make it a point to drive upwards of 100mph at least once in your life. You’ll be surprised at its affects on your lifestyle.

15. Some say that in order to find the true love of your life, you must first endure a miserable heartbreak. That’s crap. Don’t go through that if at all possible.

16. Nobody ever really regrets their military service. If you are thinking about doing it, then nut up and enlist.

17. For the record, you can wear black shoes with a dark blue suit. This is one of the few exceptions.

18. Abbott and Costello is not just funny to old people, rap is not just for young people and Manischewitz wine is not just for Jews.

19. Don’t be inhospitable. Be a warm host and have people over often. Make your house their house while they visit.

20. Deal with tragedy as it happens. It is okay for men to cry.

21. Never, EVER use phrases like laying cable, pinching a loaf, or poking cotton in reference to going number two. Terms like that are gross. Just plain old gross.


carterfsmith said...

thanks for being Googleable (if that's a word), Matt! #5 has been bouncing around in my head without an original source. I've linked you on

(Doxxiegirl) said...

#7 had to be the best rule by far....Mr. Cole, your life rules were quite interesting...some were even inspiring.

Smoke said...

Drugs are just bad, you should try to use Herbal Alternatives as a temporary replacement to loose the dependance!

Guitar Master said...

I wish I could blog as good as you, but what I can do is give you a nice Guitar Lesson!

C of S said...

These were actually good. Weird.

Bear Slayer said...

No they weren't.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, the damned Bears... blog has made its way to Spike. Don't ruin this great blog, you're allout of control. 'Bear Slayer' should be forbidden here.